


Swallow Your Feelings (And pretend it doesn't matter)

by ActiveAgression



Series: Soulmate's Thoughts Universe [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Happy Ending, I don’t really think that bathroom is the right place to do this, M/M, Sad Ryan, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5539904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActiveAgression/pseuds/ActiveAgression
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Soulmarks ebb and flow to form snippets of thoughts – your soulmate’s thoughts to be precise and after you get close enough to each other – a couple metres or so – they change. They still flow, still change like usual but in their entirety, they’re different. After that proximity, they stop being random thoughts snapped up and projected onto your soulmate’s skin – instead they become any thoughts they have about you.”</p>
<p>Ryan’s read that so many times, it’s imbedded firmly into his head. He could recite for you any single fact about soulmates you could think to ask about. He’s poured over the sites, the books, the myths and knows it all but none of it applies to him. <br/>Okay, some of it does – he has words, they’re thoughts and he got them on his eighteenth birthday like seventy percent of the population. <br/>The thing is however that he got two sets of words. They each latched onto a forearm and never went away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swallow Your Feelings (And pretend it doesn't matter)

**Author's Note:**

> Carries off from 'Statistics' but you can read that one without reading this one. That's why I didn't make this a second chapter.  
> I don't really think you can read this one without reading that one though.

“Soulmarks ebb and flow to form snippets of thoughts – your soulmate’s thoughts to be precise and after you get close enough to each other – a couple metres or so – they change. They still flow, still change like usual but in their entirety, they’re different. After that proximity, they stop being random thoughts snapped up and projected onto your soulmate’s skin – instead they become any thoughts they have about you.”

Ryan’s read that so many times, it’s imbedded firmly into his head. He could recite for you any single fact about soulmates you could think to ask about. He’s poured over the sites, the books, the myths and knows it all but none of it applies to him.   
Okay, some of it does – he has words, they’re thoughts and he got them on his eighteenth birthday like seventy percent of the population.   
The thing is however that he got two sets of words. They each latched onto a forearm and never went away. 

“I think I have two people,” he told his mum and she scoffed, gripping his forearms tightly and looking over the marks briefly. She told him, “it’s the same person. You can’t get two. Their thoughts just took up two spots.”   
It made sense, sort of, except it didn’t match any sort of soulmark lore he’s ever read. 

It took him less then a day to know his soulmarks were different people. One of them was complaining about bullies and excited about his teenage mutant ninja turtle lunchbox but unsure about whether it went with his Batman pants. The other was worried about bills and acting and well… adult stuff.   
The truth is, his left arm is way younger then he is and his right arm is at least a bit older. There are a lot of things worrying about it all, the two soulmate thing is one of them and the obvious age gap between him and the younger kid is another.   
What worries him most though is if the other two are soulmates as well, if they have each other’s words on their skin as well as Ryan’s. What if he’s the only one with two and has to choose between them.   
Looking at his arms he wonders which he would choose. 

 

At twenty it occurs to him that if his soulmates are also each other’s soulmates then there’s an even larger age gap between them then there is between him and the younger. The thought is somehow comforting. 

He likes his right soulmate, refusing to decide about the other until they seem a little older. His right arm soulmate is funny and stressed and writes essays over Ryan’s arms like there’s so many thoughts happening in his head that more then the usual amount of thought gets through. He’s thinking about scenes and ideas and little deadpan jokes that make Ryan laugh every time he reads them. They make every day into something that Ryan cherishes, excited for the next day so he can read them all over again. 

 

At twenty-five, Ryan allows himself to think about his younger soulmate; gone is the obvious kid who worried about such silly things and wondered about what words meant or asked questions over Ryan’s skin that no one could ever possibly answer. He doesn’t know how old the kid is exactly but considering the especially memorable time a year ago when thoughts of masturbation and pleasure came through in words and electric shocks, the time he watched them appear with rapt attention and got off on it, stroking himself through all the sentences – the twinges of electricity.   
Considering that day, Ryan expects there’s no reason not to think of the kid. After all, he did get off to the boy’s thoughts. 

So he reads the snarky comments plastered over his arms, the sarcastic wit and unmasked humour. The kid’s mind is a very difference place then his other soulmate’s. Mostly there are fewer words but also there’s a sort of morbid, filthy amusement that Ryan grows to love. He likes his left soulmate as well, he decides. 

He also hopes they don’t, and will never know that depending on which of them he’s thinking about – the hand he uses to masturbate changes. That seems like one of those things you keep to yourself.   
He also tallies himself and finds the ratio surprisingly equal. 

At twenty-five he has the worst day he’s ever had.   
His younger soulmate kisses someone else. He sees it, the excitement of a first kiss and he doesn’t really mind. One day they’ll meet and it’ll be great but for right now it doesn’t matter and makes him think of all the people he’s slept with. He wonders if the thoughts of that went through and really hopes they didn’t. He never noticed his soulmates notice.   
He realises how terrible the younger feels about it though when ‘sorry’ fills up his arm as if it were the older speaking and he tries to get through that it’s okay.   
And it is okay until later that night when his right arm twinges and tells him all about the guy his right arm is sleeping with. It’s in detail that he can’t bear and he can only read part of it before he buried his face in his pillow and cries. His left arm stings and he looks to see his left soulmate is crying as well.   
For once he doesn’t appreciate the essays his right arm scrawls over his skin.

After that, nothing’s really the same. It’s not bad but sometimes his left forearm is crawling with words about another male, with curly red hair and glasses. He tries to ignore it. 

 

It never occurs to him that his soulmates wouldn’t have his thoughts on them until he meets Joel at thirty-one. 

'Interesting,' is what shows up immediately over his right forearm. Joel notices the words and smiles really big. Ryan’s heart falters at the smile and he thinks this is it, this is his soulmate and really nothing could be better, everything is amazing. 

“You’ve met your soulmate?” Joel asks, “that’s neat. I’m still waiting for mine.” He frowns at the end like there’s something upsetting about the entire situation but then the smiles back and he looks expectantly at Ryan. 

“You haven’t?” Ryan asks, prompting him to check it. 

Joel glances down at his palm and then holds it out so Ryan can see.   
'Apple pie,' it says and Ryan’s thankful that Joel isn’t at the angle to see his other arm because he’s certain it says the exact same thing.   
Joel doesn’t have Ryan on his palm, he has the kid, the other one and Ryan feels like he can’t breathe. 

“I’ve got to go,” he mutters and shuffles off to hide in the bathroom for a bit. 

A bit ends up being a full hour and he cries pathetically behind the partition for most of the time. His soulmate doesn’t have him, he has the younger but not Ryan. He feels broken and unwanted and finally, jaw quivering, he swallows his feelings and decides it doesn’t matter so long as his Joel is happy.   
He tries not to hold out hope for the other one to have him but fails. He needs the hope, it may be the only thing keeping him alive. 

He asks around the office later and finds out Joel’s forty and the age gap he dreaded between him and his left arm suddenly seems really really tiny. It doesn’t change the terrible weight that’s settled in his chest though. 

 

A year later, some mild depression and Ryan’s become a steady part of the Achievement Hunters, trying to ignore his right arm’s thoughts and in general keeping away from Joel because he hasn’t yet reached the acceptance stage of grief.   
Today they’re getting a new kid and when they get introduced Ryan feels his words shift and jumps into a hoodie as quickly as he can – just in case. When Ray leaves the room for a bathroom break, he checks his left arm and the words have changed to… oh for fucks sake… 'DILF.'   
He sighs, shakes his head and then thunks himself into his desk. He doesn’t even have any kids. 

He rolls up his other sleeve for a moment to see a cacophony of lines spread out in neat rows all saying the same thing, “it’s my soulmate. Oh god, he’s so young.”   
There’s some extra parts about Ray being adorable and beautiful and worry.   
Ryan watches their conversation happen over his arms with a vague sense of detachment. He’d feared this would happen since his meeting with Joel. It still sucks though.   
He notices Ray doesn’t think of his other soulmate, doesn’t think of Ryan and he swallows back the emotions like he did a year ago. Ray doesn’t have Ryan’s words on his skin either. Ryan’s been pretty shit at this soulmate thing. 

“Ray’s been gone a while,” Geoff remarks all at once and before Ryan can interject, Michael is up out of his seat, muttering something about going to find them.   
As Ryan watches him go, it occurs to him that Michael and Ray were friends for a long time before this… and Michael has curly red hair.   
Michael’s gay, Ryan thinks – he’d suspected but the proof is nice. Michael’s slept with my soulmate – Ryan thinks and it cuts him inside, not only because of the sex but also because… can he even count Ray as his soulmate, or Joel for that matter if they don’t have his thoughts on them? 

Michael interrupts everything when he comes back in with a decidedly pink Ray and asks, “Anyone want to guess who Ray was making out with outside the bathroom?” 

“Uh… Barb?” Geoff asks after the laughing had died down in realization that Michael was actually telling the truth. 

“Try someone manlier…” Michael says and his grip on Ray looks so tight that Ryan feels the urge to rip him away from the kid so he distracts himself by turning back to Halo and taking his suppressed anger out on the unsuspecting players. 

“Burnie?” Gavin asks, still laughing. 

“Nope,” Michael says and it’s obvious he’s gonna drag this out until Ray’s ridiculously uncomfortable with everything and he may not be Ray or Joel’s soulmate but they’re his so he ends it.

“It’s Joel,” he says in perfect sync with a headshot that he feels particularly proud of.   
Michael’s silent for about ten seconds. 

“How do you know that?” he asks and Ryan can’t explain so he just smiles back at Michael and says nothing.   
“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT RYAN?” Michael yells and Ryan turns fully this time to see Ray staring at him with wide, curious dark eyes. 

I love him, he thinks and only just sees the flickers of words appearing over Ray’s collarbone from nothing.   
‘I love him,’ Ryan knows they say and Ray brings a hand up to his neck but doesn’t look surprised or even like he notices the area twinge with soulmark words. Maybe Joel’s is close to the spot and he fills it up with his long strings of words like he does over Ryan’s entire arm sometimes – making it look like it should belong on Geoff. 

“I love Joel,” Ryan thinks then, hoping but ultimately unsure about whether this will work.   
When, what the…’ appears over his right arm though, he knows he’s succeeded. He pulls his sleeves back down and turns back to his game, ignoring Michael still yelling at him.   
He feels warm in a way he’s never felt in years, heart beating rapidly in his chest like it intends to beat its way right out to be with Joel or Ray; both.   
Problem is, they probably wont want a lump of heart. They also probably wont want him. He’ll work on it. 

 

After work, Ray’s waiting for Michael so they can go have their usual game night. He’s standing by the door, hoping for a breeze and getting none when he notices Joel approaching like Ray’s on fire and Joel’s the only one with an extinguisher.   
He rushes over, sweeping past people and looking panicked in a way that Ray’s never really seen on anyone before. 

“Hey Joel…” Ray says, worried that maybe he’s done something wrong or Joel’s going to bring up the age difference again. 

“Do you have words?” Joel asks when he’s right up in Ray’s personal space, glancing around suspiciously. 

“Well yeah…” Ray answers, fingers twisting in the bottom of his shirt. 

“You do?” Joel questions as if he doesn’t already know. He sounds surprised and relieved. 

“Of course I do. You know that,” Ray says, wondering if Joel’s had a mental break. 

Joel looks confused for a second before realization flashes over his features and he shakes his head.   
“No I mean… new words. Not mine,” he says and Ray gets out, “wha-“ before Joel appears to get impatient and drags him further into the building until they’re in the bathroom they met outside of. 

“What the hell Joel?” Ray asks. 

“Take off your shirt,” Joel demands instead of answering, or explaining. 

Ray flushes and drops his head to look at his toes.   
“I don’t really think that bathroom is the right place to do this,” he says and Joel pauses, breathing fast in the silence of the bathroom. 

“No no. I don’t mean – well – look,” he says and then he pulls his shirt over his head and Ray sees it pile on the ground in his vision. He looks up at Joel, appreciating the lines and curves of his body before his view stops cold on the words lining along Joel’s ribs.   
They say, ‘love him,’ and Ray tilts his head in question, he's pretty sure that isn't what he was just thinking about. 

“They moved?” he asked and Joel shakes his head furiously, showing Ray his palm where the words, ‘I’d let him fuck me,” linger over. 

“You have two?” Ray asks and then he rips his shirt over his head to look and sees the tingling he’d assumed was Joel over his clavicle is not Joel, but someone else. It also says, ‘love him.’   
“How the – who is it?” he asks and Joel shrugs, obviously bewildered. 

There’s a silence where the both of them stare at each other’s words until the door opens and someone walks in on them… shirtless… staring at each other.  
Ray looks first. “Ryan… hey. This probably looks weird,” he says and looks at Joel, wide eyed, so he could offer some help but Joel’s got this weird look on his face and he’s staring at Ray’s words. 

Ray looks too, staring as he notices the word, ‘nipples’ has formed. He looks back over at Joel’s ribs and sees ‘fit’ has appeared hesitantly there.   
Ray and Joel lock eyes and turn as one to look at Ryan, who’s blushing and stuttering and wearing a t-shirt. His two soulmarks are entirely visible and entirely complimentary about the unexpected soulmate addition.   
His left has, ‘DILF’ written over it in block letters and his right has, ‘beautiful’ glazed across in soft writing. Ryan brings them up to look, chokes a little and glances back up at them. 

“How long have you had them?” Ray asks, a little angry at himself that he hadn’t been thinking something as sweet as Joel had managed to. Ryan doesn’t get to answer because Joel interrupts with, “you knew. You had it when I met you and you knew it was me. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I’ve had you both since eighteen. You didn’t have me,” Ryan says, looking a little sad. 

“I didn’t have Ray till I was thirty-six Ryan,” Joel says as some form of comfort and strides forward, a little off kilter, to encompass him in a hug. Ray joins a second later, squirming into the middle and sighing contently. 

None of them notice the door open again or the person stop to take in the situation, mouth gaping open until:   
“Okay. What the fuck is this!?” Michael yells from the doorway, “are you serious? Why are you shirtless, why are you shirtless and why in the hell is Ryan here?” 

“He’s our other soulmate,” Ray answers casually from the middle of their impromptu bathroom hug. 

“You don’t have any more do you?” Michael asks, sounding traumatized and wary.

“No more for me,” Joel answers and Ryan makes an agreeing sort of noise. 

“Actually…” Ray says and the other three freeze, “I think Michael may be on my dick, if you two would like to check that’d be great.” 

Michael snorts, “hahahaha! Fuck you!” he yells as he leaves the bathroom with a slam of the door and dark muttering. 

“I think there’s something important we need to bring up,” Ray comments once he’s gone. 

“What? Ryan asks, worried that maybe they don’t want him after all; after all the pining and worrying and the fucking crying. 

“Who has the biggest bed?”

**Author's Note:**

> Any requests from this sort of soulmate concept will be very welcome, even if it isn't from the Rooster Teeth fandom though that's my favourite... obviously. 
> 
> I can't promise i'll do all of them, but i am really enjoying this idea so... yes, very welcome!


End file.
